Having an Affair
Sad to say, but I have decided to have an affair. There’s no food at home, and I’m hungry as hell. Not to mention furious that I am forced to forage for my own meal. Fine! Let’s see what’s out there…
Some of the women I associate with have confided their sex escapades with me. I am looking to these women for mentorship, being a new member of the club and all. These groups have a culture all on their own.
My associate Gloria had pointed out to me how sexy and good looking my pool man is. How about him? she asked. He is young, hot and convenient. Taking a moment to really look at Arturo, I decided he wasn’t for me. He may be young and muscular, but there’s this whole body odor thing with the sweat and being out in the sun all day. And I just don’t do hired help. Please! That’s just not classy.
Sissy from Malibu suggested going online. Hmm that’s not a bad idea. I can narrow it down to exactly the type of man I would like, looks and everything. Just like ordering from a catalog. And best of all, since they’re also attached, there will be minimum demands, maximum discretion. I agreed and made a date with Sissy and Gloria to have ladies night at my house, set up an online profile, armed with mojitos and martinis.
The Photo Problem:
I realized that I didn’t have a single photo of me by myself. Well, any recent photo that is. I was opposed to this idea, but apparently it’s a must if I expect to have any kind of decent response. After several drinks, we agreed that provocative photos are in order. Gloria will take the photos and Sissy will edit them. Just one or two photos will do. Going through my wardrobe, I settled on a sexy black dress. I applied liberal make-up, and fixed my hair up. Wow, I felt like I was auditioning for a brothel. A pose here, a pose there, and voila! With liquid courage flowing through my veins, I even managed to show a little underwear.
Describe Yourself:
Should I lie? Definitely! But not about my physical attributes. After all, I will be meeting them in person. So I lied about my hobbies. Men like a woman who is adventurous. So we wrote that I like to hike, go camping, kayaking, skiing and more. We tried to cover all seasons. Filled with sexual innuendos and appealing adjectives, we posted the profile.
Let’s see what type of response we’ll get …
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, December 15, 2008
Paternity Suit
Paternity Suit
Definition: A lawsuit to determine the identity of the father of a child born outside of marriage, and to provide for the support of the child once the identity of the father has been determined.
Roman was the love of my life until he dropped the ball two years ago. On a business trip to Asia, he thought it would be fun to have a fling. Several months later, that fling smacked him on the face. A certain China girl claimed to be with child … Roman’s child. A miraculous result of a 3 day affair. I was beyond furious.
Right after the claims came the demands. Will need dollars for medical expenses. Will need child support. Will need dollars for diapers. Will need, will need and more will need! WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?
A teary eyed Roman said “Trinny I can explain…I was weak…and I missed you so much…” With self-control I didn’t know I possessed I turned to him and said “I will deal with you later.”
I consulted with our lawyer, who suggested a DNA test. It was the longest 10 days I've ever had. I could not go on with my life until I find out what the results were. Finally, it came. Negative! Fucking Negative! Here's two dollars and go get yourself some sanity, because bitch this is one battle you're not going to win. No one, simply no one is going to take my golden egg away from me!
Afterwards, I turned to face the teary eyed Roman...so full of remorse, so full of excuses, so full of "I love you, I miss you" and turned my back on him. I will NOT take this manure and eat it. I will NOT lay down with this man and be his bitch. For I am no one's bitch. However, I will survive this bullshit. All $13 million of it in liquid assets.
After a drink at the Cantina...I headed to the nearest lawyer I could find.
Definition: A lawsuit to determine the identity of the father of a child born outside of marriage, and to provide for the support of the child once the identity of the father has been determined.
Roman was the love of my life until he dropped the ball two years ago. On a business trip to Asia, he thought it would be fun to have a fling. Several months later, that fling smacked him on the face. A certain China girl claimed to be with child … Roman’s child. A miraculous result of a 3 day affair. I was beyond furious.
Right after the claims came the demands. Will need dollars for medical expenses. Will need child support. Will need dollars for diapers. Will need, will need and more will need! WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?
A teary eyed Roman said “Trinny I can explain…I was weak…and I missed you so much…” With self-control I didn’t know I possessed I turned to him and said “I will deal with you later.”
I consulted with our lawyer, who suggested a DNA test. It was the longest 10 days I've ever had. I could not go on with my life until I find out what the results were. Finally, it came. Negative! Fucking Negative! Here's two dollars and go get yourself some sanity, because bitch this is one battle you're not going to win. No one, simply no one is going to take my golden egg away from me!
Afterwards, I turned to face the teary eyed Roman...so full of remorse, so full of excuses, so full of "I love you, I miss you" and turned my back on him. I will NOT take this manure and eat it. I will NOT lay down with this man and be his bitch. For I am no one's bitch. However, I will survive this bullshit. All $13 million of it in liquid assets.
After a drink at the Cantina...I headed to the nearest lawyer I could find.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Waking Up the Lion Cub
(this post was accidentally deleted, and now put back. which is why it's out of order)
4:45 am
My husband Roman rudely shook my entire body to wake me up. What the hell?!
"Don't forget I'm taking the baby with me to work today." Yes, I had forgotten. There was some kids party or other at his work today. Then my in-laws are taking him after the party to "borrow" their grandson for the rest of the day. Perfect ... this will free up my time to get a facial.
"Wake Up baby" Lion cub didn't move. Didn't even seem to hear me. I panic. Oh my god! Is he breathing? I ran my hands over him, looking at his chest, listening ... Yes, he's breathing. I took his little foot and gave it a tug. Nothing. I gave it a harder tug. Still nothing. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, and that's when he wailed. Gee, I've never had such a reaction to my kisses before. So I picked him up and walked around the room, not quite sure what to do first. Roman walks in, noticed my confusion, and yelled "Trinny! get him dressed!"
Hello?! no need to yell, I'm still half-asleep myself.
Usually, our nanny Pru does these things. But apparently, Roman gave her the day off today. So I changed his diaper, and dressed him in a cute little sailboat outfit. Roman walks in and I knew immediately something was wrong.
"Trinny, today is Trojan day, remember? I told you this last night"
"Trojan? as in condom?"
"No, as in USC Trojan. I bought that USC baby uniform for him last week. What's wrong with you Trinny?"
There were more expletives in this conversation, but I'm choosing not to include that in this blog. And as to what's wrong with me? I haven't had my damn coffee and it's 5am in the freakin morning! Off with the sailboat outfit, on with the USC football uniform. Lion cub looked adorable. He's going to be a USC quarterback one day ... no pressure Lion Cub.
4:45 am
My husband Roman rudely shook my entire body to wake me up. What the hell?!
"Don't forget I'm taking the baby with me to work today." Yes, I had forgotten. There was some kids party or other at his work today. Then my in-laws are taking him after the party to "borrow" their grandson for the rest of the day. Perfect ... this will free up my time to get a facial.
"Wake Up baby" Lion cub didn't move. Didn't even seem to hear me. I panic. Oh my god! Is he breathing? I ran my hands over him, looking at his chest, listening ... Yes, he's breathing. I took his little foot and gave it a tug. Nothing. I gave it a harder tug. Still nothing. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, and that's when he wailed. Gee, I've never had such a reaction to my kisses before. So I picked him up and walked around the room, not quite sure what to do first. Roman walks in, noticed my confusion, and yelled "Trinny! get him dressed!"
Hello?! no need to yell, I'm still half-asleep myself.
Usually, our nanny Pru does these things. But apparently, Roman gave her the day off today. So I changed his diaper, and dressed him in a cute little sailboat outfit. Roman walks in and I knew immediately something was wrong.
"Trinny, today is Trojan day, remember? I told you this last night"
"Trojan? as in condom?"
"No, as in USC Trojan. I bought that USC baby uniform for him last week. What's wrong with you Trinny?"
There were more expletives in this conversation, but I'm choosing not to include that in this blog. And as to what's wrong with me? I haven't had my damn coffee and it's 5am in the freakin morning! Off with the sailboat outfit, on with the USC football uniform. Lion cub looked adorable. He's going to be a USC quarterback one day ... no pressure Lion Cub.
Super Coffee Maker
After seeing Roman and the baby off, I eagerly changed into my sweats and headed to the kitchen. I noticed that my housekeeper Perdita just arrived. She apologized for being late, and will fix breakfast in a jiffy. Well, since she's busy with breakfast, I'll make the coffee.
I stared at the sleek machine in front of me with the utmost confusion. What the hell is this? At the bottom of the machine, it said "Espresso Maker." Ok, well obviously this is not the appliance I want. I asked Perdita where the coffee maker was and she pointed at the mini rocket in front of me. "No no", I said "this is an espresso machine" she just shrugged. Knowing I wasn't going anywhere in this conversation, I called Roman on his cell.
"The espresso machine is the coffee machine ... just pick the COFFEE option" I do hate calling Roman about these things, he makes me feel so dumb. I was determined to make coffee. I started reading the manual:
"Simply raise the lever to infuse ground espresso in the filter holder with water, then lower it to extract every nuance of flavor and aroma into one or two cups..." oh for heaven's sakes! This isn't a manual, this is poetry! And I don't need poetry at 7:40 am! I just want some damn coffee.
Still, I kept reading "the heat-exchange boiler allows you to go from brewing to steaming with no downtime..." there's a boiler in this thing? I'm starting to feel lightheaded.
I'm going to Starbucks.
Monday, December 8, 2008
The Psychic Reading ...
Can anyone just become a psychic? My research does not include hours of browsing the internet, reading thick books on the subject or even talking to experts. No, my research consists of one solitary visit to a psychic medium, approximately 15 minutes on the internet and one book I purchased on Amazon for a penny. Inspiration? watching the Mentalist on TV. Although they don't really call him a psychic, and there seems to be some sort of science to what he does ... still, it looked "psychic-like" and was enough to get me off the couch.
My first Psychic Reading:
Well, that was an experience. I had driven by her house several times, always noticing the big sign on her front yard "Psychic - Come on In." So one day, I did just that, I went in.
A young woman of mediterranean descent, who spoke perfect english and was very friendly. The inside of her home was cozy and ordinary. It wasn't dark, creepy or weird at all. This was like visiting an old friend. For my reading, she took me to a separate room. In this room, I noticed all the religious artifacts. She asked if I was a Christian and I replied "in name only." I was still feeling comfortable.
We sat down and I noticed there were no crystal balls, candles or incense. Just a plain table with a deck of Tarot cards on top. Her services include:
1. Palm Reading
2. Tarot Reading
3. Psychic Reading.
But for only $49.99 I could get all three, and have a thorough, deep reading. I opted for the $49.99 special.
The Palm Reading was a brief 3 minute session where she told me my traits, characteristics and so forth. It was very general, and she did ask for my date of birth. Hmm one can easily memorize the astrological signs and come up with that.
The Tarot Reading was much more interesting. I cut the deck in half, and watched as she spread out several cards in front of us. They didn't look friendly at all. I noticed one that had the grim reaper image on it, and another one that had a hanging man. I started to feel a little apprehensive. She asked if I was open to ALL information, the good and the bad. I said yes, bring it on!
She started with the Money Situation. Good start, I like money. The medium said I was like a dollar bill floating in the ocean, without direction. I don't know what disturbed me most, the fact that I'm only a "dollar bill" or the fact that I'm floating aimlessly. Focus! she said, and you will find your true calling. What industry should I focus on? a moment of silence, then she said "the service industry!" What the hell? I'm sitting here in my Jimmy Choo shoes, and Gucci handbag and the cards are saying ... what? the "service" industry?! as in ... serve other people? hmm, we'll see about that one. Moving on...
On the subject of Love. Ok, this is the part I've been waiting on. My perceptive Psychic announced that there's something missing in my marriage. I thought "Yes, like hot sex!" her advise was to dig deeper and feel what truly will make me happy. Hmm a quick trip to the adult store will make me happy right about now. Let's get this reading over with. She then announced "beware of temptation, for it will lead to heartache and pain." Based on the pictures of these cards in front of me, my interpretation is ... don't hang yourself with temptation for it will surely be the death of your marriage. Ok, got it. My health seems fine, she continued, and I will live way into my late 80's.
The Psychic Reading. She asked for something made of metal ... maybe my car keys and started rubbing it between both hands. I watched impatiently. I don't recall the Mentalist doing this. "Ask me a question" she said. So I asked "what's going to happen to my marriage?" and she replied "I cannot answer that" What the hell?! "How about children?" and she replied "you will have three pregnancies ... how old is the one you have now?" Whoa, she's good. How did she know I have one child and not two? She then said that my child will bring prosperity, peace and happiness into my life. That I won't have to worry about him too much because my son is a warrior. A leader. I was hooked! I left feeling proud, happy and satisfied. My little lion cub is a warrior. Damn right!
My first Psychic Reading:
Well, that was an experience. I had driven by her house several times, always noticing the big sign on her front yard "Psychic - Come on In." So one day, I did just that, I went in.
A young woman of mediterranean descent, who spoke perfect english and was very friendly. The inside of her home was cozy and ordinary. It wasn't dark, creepy or weird at all. This was like visiting an old friend. For my reading, she took me to a separate room. In this room, I noticed all the religious artifacts. She asked if I was a Christian and I replied "in name only." I was still feeling comfortable.
We sat down and I noticed there were no crystal balls, candles or incense. Just a plain table with a deck of Tarot cards on top. Her services include:
1. Palm Reading
2. Tarot Reading
3. Psychic Reading.
But for only $49.99 I could get all three, and have a thorough, deep reading. I opted for the $49.99 special.
The Palm Reading was a brief 3 minute session where she told me my traits, characteristics and so forth. It was very general, and she did ask for my date of birth. Hmm one can easily memorize the astrological signs and come up with that.
The Tarot Reading was much more interesting. I cut the deck in half, and watched as she spread out several cards in front of us. They didn't look friendly at all. I noticed one that had the grim reaper image on it, and another one that had a hanging man. I started to feel a little apprehensive. She asked if I was open to ALL information, the good and the bad. I said yes, bring it on!
She started with the Money Situation. Good start, I like money. The medium said I was like a dollar bill floating in the ocean, without direction. I don't know what disturbed me most, the fact that I'm only a "dollar bill" or the fact that I'm floating aimlessly. Focus! she said, and you will find your true calling. What industry should I focus on? a moment of silence, then she said "the service industry!" What the hell? I'm sitting here in my Jimmy Choo shoes, and Gucci handbag and the cards are saying ... what? the "service" industry?! as in ... serve other people? hmm, we'll see about that one. Moving on...
On the subject of Love. Ok, this is the part I've been waiting on. My perceptive Psychic announced that there's something missing in my marriage. I thought "Yes, like hot sex!" her advise was to dig deeper and feel what truly will make me happy. Hmm a quick trip to the adult store will make me happy right about now. Let's get this reading over with. She then announced "beware of temptation, for it will lead to heartache and pain." Based on the pictures of these cards in front of me, my interpretation is ... don't hang yourself with temptation for it will surely be the death of your marriage. Ok, got it. My health seems fine, she continued, and I will live way into my late 80's.
The Psychic Reading. She asked for something made of metal ... maybe my car keys and started rubbing it between both hands. I watched impatiently. I don't recall the Mentalist doing this. "Ask me a question" she said. So I asked "what's going to happen to my marriage?" and she replied "I cannot answer that" What the hell?! "How about children?" and she replied "you will have three pregnancies ... how old is the one you have now?" Whoa, she's good. How did she know I have one child and not two? She then said that my child will bring prosperity, peace and happiness into my life. That I won't have to worry about him too much because my son is a warrior. A leader. I was hooked! I left feeling proud, happy and satisfied. My little lion cub is a warrior. Damn right!
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